


Malec - Thoughts in Hearts

by onefootintheboilinghotlava



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e12 Malec, F/M, M/M, or angst?, slight angst, thoughts before wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:10:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6692701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefootintheboilinghotlava/pseuds/onefootintheboilinghotlava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are only thoughts of Alec and Magnus before the wedding, during the scenes that happened on screen. <br/>Edit: Added a bonus short paragraph of Lydia POV of Magnus' interruption</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alec's Bachelor Party

Hearing Jace’s words ‘falling in love’, he knew. Maybe it was purely out of his love for Jace, wished to be understanding for him, that Alec’s mind came to recall what he had with Magnus ‘falling in love’. Hearing Jace’s words gave him a release of what was chained in his heart. He did not dared to say it out loud that he was falling for Magnus, either because they met in such a short time, or he just could not afford to think of it when he had to marry Lydia soon. His words gave him an opening to express how he felt all this time about Magnus. It was only until then he could admit that he was falling fast for Magnus, and maybe hard as well. Even his seeming crush for Jace did not make him ever consider coming out, yet Magnus made him imagine how life could be, who he could be with someone he’s truly interested in, a life he was allowed to fall in love and shout it out to the world. Yet it was also two-way blade, what he felt for Magnus took his mind extra effort to keep it in check, in reign. 

He knew he would not be able to say it out aloud, if he had to stare right into Jace’s eyes, that this wedding with Lydia was what he truly wanted. Jace’s interruption woke him from his own thoughts about Magnus, reminded him that he was doing the wedding for Izzy and Jace, and maybe Clary as well. He had to stay focus with what he had to do, or else he would just run back to Magnus and asked him to go for a drink or two. 

When Jace added that ‘you still have to be true to yourself’, it could have been the straw that broke down the walls in Alec’s heart, yet Alec was too used with hiding his heart with Jace, if years of crush taught him anything. For one moment, he was scared that Jace knew that he was falling for Magnus. Then again, he realised Jace probably could not know that far. He knew he had to stop this way into his heart. He would not be able to stand it, if he allowed himself to think about what he truly wanted, what Magnus had offered him again and again. He thought he learnt how to repress his own sexuality, yet repressing what he felt for Magnus proved to be an even harder task. If he did not stop feeling right then, he could not see it in himself to stop all the way.  
Maybe it was also for the best that it was Jace that he had to talk to before the Wedding. As much as he would be the best friend for Jace, Jace was also the one that would remind him of his own duties, of why he was doing this with Lydia. To allow Jace to follow his heart, even if for the moment Clary could not be with him. To let his baby sister do whatever the hell she wanted, to not live under the judgement and requests of their parents. The brightness he could bring to his siblings was his greatest anchor, to get through with the wedding, the greatest reason for him to walk on this path alone. 

If anything, at least he got Jace back by his side from this Bachelor Party. Family should be enough to dull the pain he could not allow himself to dwell on.


	2. Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is currently unfinished, I shall edit it in a few days.  
> Edit: Now this is done. FINALLY!

Camille broke his heart. In a way, heartbreak could never be recovered from. It marked you, became a part of you. Only through constant re-narration of it that it might come to mean something more than pain and suffering. Still he would remember how much it hurt. As an immortal, it only meant that such pain would never completely fade away, would never end with him. As he came to learn Camille was not worthwhile of his affection and love, still what he felt and experienced were not something to be swept away just because of this. Ragnor knew him too well. 

The short time he had been with Alec was only adding to his pain and suffering. He would have thought closing off once more was the best choice, maybe even glad that Alec was lessening the pain he, or both of them, would feel later in life. He had lived so many years, witnessing all mortals alike making up legends and fairytales, seeing some of those origin with his own eyes. He knew fairytales never actually happened and he knew better than ever to dream that something of a similar sort would happen to him. He knew better to believe or trust any single bit of legends or fairytales, yet Alec saved his life from the moment they met each other, maybe not a knight in shining armour, but a knight and a light into Magnus’ life nonetheless. Not that Magnus would not have been able to save himself, yet it was also possible he would just drain out from magic and burn his own life for those two times. 

Circumstances, or more like Clary dropping back into the shadow world, brought Alec into Magnus’ life, allowing him to save him at several occasions. The first two times, it was by chance that Alec cut short of his battles. The third time, sure Magnus asked for him, yet having Alec actually coming and at critical moment were beyond Magnus’ expectation. Alec had asked if he was okay after the healing of Luke and Magnus had never heard such words for maybe over a century. To anyone who knew him, would know and trust on his abilities, either never considering he would not be okay or went straight to healing him (If he was injured and it was Ragnor or Catarina, they would just heal him or let him rest) Alec had cared for him in ways that no one had and he had, in retrospect, given Alec the level of honesty and sincerity that he had not shown for over a century. He could feel the boy’s hesitations and eagerness at the same time. After that night, he’d have thought there was a chance for him to find this true love. Yet soon enough, Alec proved to him that his mere budding affection for Magnus was nothing in comparison to the family’s name he thought to bear and keeping his sexuality to himself. If Alec was truly in love with Lydia, it would have been easier for Magnus to bear, knowing that he had no chance at all. Yet reality was so cruel to have it that Alec did feel for him, only choosing not to fight for it. Magnus was left no one to blame, but Alec’s decision. He could not bring himself to hate on Alec and his decisions, simply because he still fell for the boy hard and he knew as he witnessed, how much Alec devoted his life for his family. 

Maybe Camille was partially right, maybe there were fairytales coming true, just never to species that are half-demon. As an immortal, he should know. Fantasy only ever lived in legends and myths, not real life. Even if Alec had given them a chance, who could tell it would not end in death and heartbreak, or even worse anyhow. Maybe this was for the best. After all, if the closest he got to living a fantasy still would not work out, it seemed giving up hope on finding true love for himself was already a hope better in death. He should have known better, he fell too easily, he fell too deep after it was too late to back out. He was over four hundred years old and ages should count for something, if not wisdom. Still, his heart yearned and longed for love, for something he could keep, for someone to anchor him. Life could be too fleeting for he who was immortal, he needed something to hold onto. 

He remembered every heartbreak he had, yet it was never like this with Alec. Either the lover wanted more than what he had to offer, or was just straightly not interested in him, but never requited feeling yet impossible to be together. The effect Magnus had had on Alec was not difficult to observe, the endearing stuttering and yet honest replies. The devotion, yet prepared attitude on shadowhunting, on things that he cared about, was unlike anyone Magnus had fallen for before. As amused as Magnus was when Alec was scrubbing his couch, he was more touched than ever. Not only few had cared for his existence before, fewer had worried about him over minor use of magic. Alec’s complete surrender to assisting Magnus to help Luke and continuous concern over Magnus’ health and conditions were what prompted him to be throughly honest with his intention to Alec that night. He knew shadowhunting and family would still come first for Alec, yet he did not think Maryse and Robert’s action would trigger Alec’s reaction with a proposal to Lydia. 

Yet Ragnor reminded him. Alec’s ultimate decision was still out of consideration for his family. If Magnus spared one moment from his own heartbreak, he knew, better than anyone, that this would be Alec’s ultimate sacrifice to keep his family’s reputation, to keep his life not being his own. Ragnor reminded him that he loved enough to not wish that upon Alec. If he yearned and longed for fairytales, for true love to come alive in his own life, even if just for once, he had to try once more. Even if it would be a deeper heartbreak, he was immortal, he would have time to mourn and tell the tale to Tessa. If Alec’s proposal to Lydia was anything to go by, it meant Alec had sacrificed enough of his life, maybe he just needed someone to do something for him, to let him see that he deserved a life of his own. Sure, Magnus might suffer slight humiliation, after all there were the Enclave’s representatives there and he was a Downworlder. Yet it would be fine for him. He could give this last chance to Alec, he cared enough to do this for the one and only Alexander Lightwood.


	3. Lydia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia's POV of part of the wedding, her witness of the moment between Alec and Magnus

She was a little shocked that Alec decided to not go through with the wedding. Surely she knew Alec had feelings for Magnus, yet she had also witnessed Alec’s devotion for his family and running of the New York Institute, she had thought that they were similar in the magnitude and extent of that work ethnic. Yet that moment Magnus entered the wedding hall, her instincts knew. She could see the switch on Alec’s expression, she was standing closest to him after all. The look of dealing with practical matter disappeared the moment the door was opened. As it revealed Magnus, she should realize one moment earlier that all his closed-off expressions were gone, only nervousness remained. She had never seen Alec nervous, however short had they known each other. Maybe that was why she only caught on Alec’s intention a moment later. As Alec uttered the words ‘I can’t do this’, it shocked her. She had to admit that Alec had given her hope, that she would have someone to go through this unbearable of work-filled life, at least she could have some companion after all this time of losing John. Yet the look Alec had for Magnus moved her, that one look was enough to remind her of how she was happy and open when John was around with her. However much she was still mourning, or however much she tried to bury the happiness she had with John, it was not something she could forget or disregard ever, especially when she could recognize the glimpse of hope, the slight crack in the well-trained expression. She was glad, maybe a little sad, that Alec could grasp this last chance before everything would be too late. 

Once she recovered from her initial surprise, she also recognized the challenge that was right on Alec’s way, literally standing before his walk towards Magnus. She knew Maryse and Robert would be in the way. If John and her relationship was looked down upon simply because of what was expected of her, what might come Alec’s way could only be worse and harder to deal with. She worked at Idris, she knew how shadowhunters there could look down on homosexuality and Downworlders, less alone a pair between a shadowhunter and a Downworlder. She was worried about Alec, and Magnus. Yet looking at Alec’s walk towards Magnus, she knew she would do anything to support the two of them, if such occasion arose. 

Even before all of this, she had heard how well Alec was managing the New York Institute even in Idris, she had heard the magnificent Magnus Bane’s creations and assistances to the Shadow World numerous times from when she was small. Witnessing, or even standing between, these two amazing persons would be her honour. Though she still suffered from the disappointment of losing a possible companion, yet she might still gain two friends (If Magnus could oversee Alec’s proposal to her). They both had proven themselves to be worthwhile for her to trust and rely on, if occasion ever occur, for serious matters. For one moment, she wished John was by her side and would smile with her for them.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't read the books, so forgive me if there's any mistake with the characters or whatsoever in the characterisation...


End file.
